Why do so many men feel lonely?
Hi, my name is Jacob, and I’m a therapist. I have a couple of different specialties, but one of those is men’s mental health.
I wanted to create a blog series on some common topics I’ve seen in men’s mental health to help bring some understanding to the experience of others. While some of these won’t be exclusive to those who identify as a man, I’ll be focusing primarily on their experiences in this series.
In this blog, I’d like to discuss loneliness in men.
I’ve suggested the book “I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression” by Terry Real so many times by now, I’ve lost count. Why? Not all of my clients are depressed. But this book discusses something that I feel is important.
One of the primary themes of this book is exploring the isolation and loneliness often experienced by men. Real proposes that this distance has deeper systemic and societal roots, but it boils down to a desire to be invulnerable. To protect themselves by not allowing vulnerability to be seen or taken advantage of. And this isolation is something that I’ve seen time and time again.
What does this look like? Husbands who don’t know how to express themselves. Fathers who don’t know how to be present and engaged with their children. Friends who can connect over shared interests or drinking, but don’t know how to ask for or receive support.
The desire to appear stronger, braver, more successful, more “put together” than we feel we are is often driven by this unspoken pressure to be invulnerable. We don’t ask for help, and we don’t talk about how we’re struggling.
What’s wrong with striving for success in work or relationships? Nothing. Not a thing. Please keep working to be the human you desire to be. But understand what you are working toward. Are you working toward a more integrated and holistic version of yourself, or are you trying to be Superman? Do you understand yourself and the things you’ve experienced, or are you endlessly stuffing down your emotions and experiences because “they’re too messy” or “they’re not productive”?
One of the most common justifications that I’ve heard that have kept men from the help that they need is that they don’t want to be seen as weak. That perceived “weakness” is terrifying, and the idea of sharing that with someone else is exponentially more so. So it gets pushed down with avoidance, or numbed with substances and behaviors.
Being Superman means that no one knows your secret identity – that no one really knows you.
The question of male loneliness can be answered by connection and letting yourself be known by those who care for you. It’s cultivating healthier relationships with yourself and others. That means getting honest with yourself about what’s going on inside of you, and allowing others to respond to it. Being vulnerable doesn’t mean sharing everything with everyone all at once. It can be as simple as telling a friend that you’ve been a little more stressed than usual.
If you’re interested in growing into the most authentic version of yourself, I hope you’ll consider starting therapy with a qualified therapist. If you’re interested in working with me, and located in Georgia, you can reach out through our website.
Know that you deserve a space where you can learn what healthy vulnerability looks like.
