We’re into the holiday season, but believe it or not, there’s still time to check in with yourself and your calendar.
Have you allowed others’ wants and preferences to pull you in every direction?…It happens. We want to have fun, love and show up for others, serve, see everyone who wants to see us, attend all of the parties, host a friends event, attend multiple family events, work events, church events.
And
At the same time, we want to snuggle up on the couch, get cozy, watch nostalgic films, and take time off of work.
There’s too many ways to spend our precious time and attention, especially during the last month of the year…sounds like a lot of pressure and stress instead of the relaxing and enjoyable season we tend to shoot for.
What if you paused and asked yourself: what is realistic for me, one human being, to participate in during the remaining month and a half of the year?
Let’s zoom out even further: What does the holiday season mean to you? What’s it about, what’s the purpose? What might it look like to make plans with this in mind? What do you picture when you think about ‘holidays’: what are you eating, who’re you surrounded by, what can you hear, what’re the feelings that come up?
What do I need to prioritize to stay well physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually?….What do I hope to have room for after that?
How can I care for myself and show up for others? How can I care for myself as I experience the feelings that rise up when I disappoint people? How can I respect others’ limited capacity?
There’s not a right or wrong answer to these questions. They are just invitations to think about how to consider yourself along with the people you love over the holidays.
“So you mean set boundaries?…ugh.”
Boundaries doesn’t have to be a ‘bad’ word.
What are they really? Boundaries are the limits we set for ourselves in response to our needs and capacity. Boundaries are about keeping us safe and healthy, rather than being about keeping others out. Boundaries set guidance about our own choices and behavior. They do not function to manage or control the behavior or emotions of other people.
Setting Boundaries with Yourself
Reflect on the last holiday season and see what feelings and memories it brings up.
Did you throw out your usual routine or adjust it slightly? Being mindful of this and intentional to stay closer to your normal routine will allow you to be present and enjoy the added holiday moments or changes in your schedule. If your holiday season schedule needs to look significantly different, is it possible to still plan it ahead of time to ensure there’s time to rest and recharge each day?
Setting Boundaries with Others
Consider who you want to prioritize time with over the holidays, and what you hope to be doing.
Who do I cherish seeing during this time of year? Who might I regret missing? Is there another opportunity that can be planned with them in the New Year? What events sound fun, meaningful, or important this year?
What can a Boundary Sound Like?
It depends, right? Does the boundary need to be communicated? If/When/Where/How?
It can be helpful to remember that no one knows what your preferences and boundaries are unless you communicate them. It can look and sound different depending on the relationship dynamic and history.
It can be helpful to keep the language about yourself and not the other person since preferences and boundaries are our own.
Examples:
Hey ____, I appreciate the invitation. Unfortunately, I have other plans and cannot make it.
Hey____, thanks for reaching out. I’m not sure what my plans will be so I don’t feel comfortable committing. Please invite me again in the future!
Hey ____, when you assume I will make the _____ dish for our family holiday dinner, I feel stressed and unappreciated. I would prefer to be asked if I can bring a dish moving forward.
Hey____, I don’t feel up to talking about that tonight. I’d love to hear about _____ instead. (If they insist or bully you for your reluctance, you could step into another room or outside to take a few minutes to be alone, then decide whether you feel up for entering back in or heading out).
(With yourself): I am going to spend no more than ___ amount on gifts this year. I am not going to spend more than _____ time with _____ family members. If I find myself re-negotiating with myself in a moment, I will read ______ note on my phone to myself reminding me of why I set these boundaries/encouraging myself to be brave OR I will call ______, my safe friend who will help me make the best decision for myself.
Caring For Yourself as You Set and Maintain Boundaries
Figuring out, setting, and maintaining boundaries is hard!
Even though boundaries are part of taking care of ourselves, sometimes we set unhelpful or overly rigid boundaries. It is a process of trial and error for sure, so give yourself permission to make mistakes.
Sometimes we set appropriate boundaries and our loved ones lash out or stone wall us.
Sometimes the process makes us question why we have chosen to be close with certain people.
I don’t mention any of this to encourage operating out of fear nor to discourage you from taking steps toward setting and maintaining boundaries–I simply want to be honest about the emotional energy it can take to start on and remain on this part of the well-being journey.
It is likely you will need grounding and coping skills to assist your nervous system throughout the process. Having a safe, trusted loved one who understands you and your boundary journey is also helpful so that you have someone who is healing in the midst of other more draining relationships. Starting or enriching therapy by bringing up the boundaries you sense you need is another great way to care for yourself in the midst of this. Therapy is also a place where you can learn and practice grounding and coping skills to see which may be helpful for you.
If figuring this out on your own sounds overwhelming, I encourage you to consider working with a therapist. In therapy, your therapist can help hear the preferences and feelings you have and give objective and empathic insight and support as you navigate your relationships with others and yourself.
Cultivating healthy relationships is one of my favorite things to work with! Send me an email if you are interested in learning more about working with me or another provider: hwheelercounseling@gmail.com
